SANTA BACON
Back at the dawn of Phoole & the Gang, my wife Tiffany and I were in a grocery store that happened to have one of those toy-crane novelty machines - we call them 'claw machines' or 'grabby machines.' Players put in a coin or two, or a dollar most likely these days, and maneuver a crane 'claw' into position; when the machine's brief timer elapses after a few seconds, the claw drops down and either grabs a prize, or doesn't, and then retracts. If it grabs a prize, it drops the prize down a chute for the player to keep.
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Tiffany happens to be a stone-cold grabby-machine hustler - she wins every time she plays. And on this particular occasion, we discovered this particular grabby machine had in it a very weird prize we'd never seen before: SANTA BACON. It was a stuffed-toy piece of bacon, with arms and legs and eyes and a moustache, and a Santa Claus hat. It made no sense at all. I wanted it. Tiff played and won it immediately, on the first try.
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As I gloatingly paraded it about the grocery store, Tiff said, "You now have to do a parody of 'Santa Baby,' but rewrite the lyrics so they're all about Santa Bacon instead." We re-wrote the lyrics together - and a crispy, delicious legend was born!
Here's the first live performance of 'Santa Bacon' from the 2013 Phooletide Special. It is barely-rehearsed and terribly-recorded - the PhooleStudio's tech and my know-how have improved over the past five years! But this version uses the iTunes-karaoke backing track and concurs with live-improvised puppet antics, so it's shaky-but-earnest. In subsequent versions, I tinkered with the MIDI of the karaoke version to change key, tempo and arrangement, and most recently I borrowed Mesha Steele's upbeat reggae instrumental - but in 2018, our precious and Phooligan-loved Phooletide pet parody project gets NEW LIFE with an amazing collaboration!
Cookin' Up Fresh Bacon Wiffs!
For Phooletide 2018 we wanted to make a version that's completely fresh and unique, so I worked up the nerve to ask one of my biggest music hero acts to collaborate...the venerable legends themselves, Skeewiff!...and I got my first Xmas present early when they immediately agreed!
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Skeewiff have a tradition of making brilliant and hilarious Wiffmas music-presents for their Skee-vilised society - here's a sampling of the Spirit of Wiffmas Past!
Lyrics
Santa Bacon,
just slip some strips right under the tree for me;
Been a hungry girl,
Santa Bacon,
So hurry to my kitchen tonight
Santa Bacon,
everybody knows you're a dish delish
I'll save room for you, dear;
Santa Bacon,
So hurry to my kitchen tonight.
Bridge:
You're so crispy, brown and long -
You taste so good that I had to
rewrite this song!
You make everybody beg -
and you’re so good with scrambled eggs.
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Santa Bacon, you're so delicious, salty and good;
I should
keep Kosher but I just can't!
Santa Bacon,
Jump onto my griddle tonight.
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Santa Bacon,
I'll sprinkle you all over my grits
In bits ... taste so heavenly dear,
Santa Bacon,
Wrap you round some chestnuts tonight.
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Santa Bacon,
breakfast lunch and dinner
with you
I'll chew,
nothing less will do.
Santa Bacon,
hurry to my skillet tonight.
Bridge:
Come and trim my BLT
any time of day is good enough for me;
For dessert I think I'll try
You with ice cream and apple pie
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Santa Bacon,
the crispiest Kris Kringle of all -
just fall
Into my open mouth
Santa Bacon,
hurry and get in me tonight.
Hurry and you'll sizzle tonight.
Hurry, tonight!
A Note for Kosher, Vegan and Vegetarian Phooligans
In the PhooleHouse we don't actually eat bacon made from animal products. We like Morningstar Farms' Veggie Bacon Strips - and maybe you will too! They're delicious and great for your conscience!
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Morningstar Farms didn't pay us to say this. We just like 'em!